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October 12, 2001

ON SUNDAY AFTERNOON (10/7), my friend Carolyn and I dropped by the Hollywood Collectors Show, an event held around thrice a year at the Beverly Garland Holiday Inn in Studio City.  The hotel, by the way, is named for the wonderful character actress, Beverly Garland, who is best known for her long-running role on the TV show, My Three Sons.  She was among the many celebrities who were there, selling autographed photos and memorabilia.

These two-day events, run by Ray and Sharon Court, give stars — past and present — a chance to meet their fans and to make a few bucks writing their names on eight-by-tens.  Sometimes, it's more than a few bucks.  Rumor has it that the all-time grosses are racked up whenever Don Knotts is at a table, signing Barney Fife photos at ten bucks a pop.  He was advertised for all weekend but, due to poor health, only showed for one day.  Still, one of the guests with a nearby table, estimated that Mr. Knotts signed perhaps a thousand signatures on Saturday.  You do the math.

(The unofficial runner-up for the longest line is said to be Charlton Heston, who wasn't among the guests this time.  Apparently, the way to generate crowds at this thing is to have at least one bullet in your pocket.)

Besides Knotts, others who were signing one day or both this time included Hugh O'Brian, Ed Asner, Gennifer Flowers, Buddy Hackett, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, David Carradine, Howard Morris and many others.  Joey Heatherton, Stella Stevens and Carol Lynley were all there.  If in the sixties, you were male and unaroused by any of the three, you were automatically declared gay.  There were also a couple of former members of "Our Gang," a number of one-time Mouseketeers, a few Playboy Playmates ...and the main reason I went: Soupy Sales.  The Soupman was selling 'n' signing his newly-released autobiography, Soupy Sez, written with Charles Salzberg.

Mr. Sales seemed tired and in poor health so I didn't attempt much of a conversation; just bought a book and got it signed.  I was outside, paging through it when I discovered that I'd written a chunk of it.  Soupy's co-author, Mr. Salzberg, e-mailed me some time ago and secured permission to quote the article I penned about Soupy (this one) and I'd plumb forgotten.  But despite me, it's a pretty good book...one that will delight anyone who names Soupy and his menagerie as among their childhood playmates.

These Hollywood Collectors Shows (and similar events around the country) leave me with mixed feelings, I have to say.  On the one hand, I think it's terrific that actors who wish to avail themselves of the opportunity have a venue where they can make a few bucks off their autographs.  A lot of those in the hall receive scant (often, no) residuals from their old TV and movie appearances and have had their willingness to sign autographs exploited by dealers.  I like the fact that if, for example, you always admired Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, you can go up to him at one of these shows, tell him that, shake his mitt and buy a signed pic or autobiography with every nickel going to him.  Against this is the fact that it's a little sad, at least with some guests, that this is all that remains of their stardom.

What causes me to side (mainly) with the happier thought is a melancholy memory from one of the Courts' shows, a few years back.  It involved the late comedian Pat Paulsen who, at the time of course, was not a late comedian.  Alas, he then knew he was about to become one.  He'd been diagnosed with something terminal — the big "C," I believe — and was out on a crusade to accrue cash to leave his family.  Pat was a very sweet, very funny man who had managed to not rack up much of a fortune during his years on television — though I suspect his last minute putsch for dollars was less a matter of needing cash than of needing something constructive to do.  Whatever, for his last few months, he was appearing everywhere he could, performing and signing, making whatever money he could make.

Colleagues were abetting him.  Ruth Buzzi was sitting with him that day, dolled up in the Gladys Ormphby outfit she wore on Laugh-In, signing and posing for photos, with and without him, all proceeds going to Pat.  A few other stars lent their celebrity to the effort while autograph dealers, aware that the supply of Paulsen autographs was soon to be finite, were stocking up, buying multiples from him.  It was sad...but it would have been even sadder if Pat hadn't had that outlet.

Navigating the ballroom at these events presents certain challenges of etiquette: You don't want to make eye contact with folks whose wares you have no interest in purchasing.  But you also don't want to act like you don't know who they are or don't care that they're there.  I don't collect autographs, at least not on eight-by-tens, though I've purchased a few at these shows, just so I had the chance to chat with the star or slip a few bucks to someone who seemed to really need the money.

Many don't.  One guest this time told me she would have preferred to pass out pics gratis but, for two reasons, couldn't.  One was that, when she'd tried that in the past, the autograph dealers grabbed 'em all up and they went directly up on eBay.  The other problem was that the other guests who did need (or just really want) the money got quite angry at her; like she was trying to make them look bad.  So she charged ten bucks a photo, threw in a lot of freebees, and gave everything she collected to the Twin Towers Fund.  Works for her, works for me, works for everyone.  In fact, the more I think about the whole institution, the more I like it.  I wish the room was less shabbier and crowded, and I wish the whole proceedings were a bit more dignified.  But I'm glad someone invented this kind of event and will attend whenever possible.

Two other points: The above-linked article I wrote about Soupy was as much about his sidekick, the late Clyde Adler, a wonderful gent about whom little is known.  This may change.  My article found its way to his widow who sent me a lovely letter — on paper; people still do that — correcting a few minor errors and inviting me to hit her up for additional info on Clyde.  I intend to do this soon.  (Thanks, Ed Golick, for passing it on to her.)

Also, they're not in stores yet but if you want to pre-order a copy of Soupy's autobiography, you can do so at Amazon.Com.  And if you do so by clicking on this link, I make enough money to buy about half a pack of gum.

POLITICALLY, I have few comments to make about the current American onslaught.  I have no idea what changes, if any, the bombing will cause in Afghanistan but I am guardedly confident it will play out for the better.  What I do fear is that we're in for some rabid domestic squalls over what kind of criticism, if any, constitutes treason.  A certain, rather large section of the U.S. is dying to hear that we kicked the asses of those who brought down the World Trade Center and will consider it unpatriotic to suggest that any nugget of U.S. victory is less than total and honorable.

I have a rather cynical, but perhaps not inaccurate view of what drives our public debate and it often comes down to: Watch the Money.  For a long time and perhaps still, there was cash to be made and careers to be built on Clinton-bashing.  So we got a lot of Clinton-bashing.  Those who hated Clinton got lots of attention and those who just mildly disliked him learned to hate him because it did wonders for their bank accounts and fame.  Any viewpoint that gets authors on CNN and their books on the Amazon.com "hot 100" is a viewpoint we hear more of and it needn't even be a majority.  It just has to be fervent and have buying power.

Right now, those who are eager for John Wayne's America, where the U.S. is always supreme in strength and purpose, are fervent and have buying power.  Merchandising of the tragedy (and particularly, of its heroes) has already commenced and what's coming will make the current flag-gouging and tribute events look tasteful by comparison.  The same consumers also have, or think they have the moral high ground to bash anyone who might question their vision.  Look at how much grief they caused Bill Maher for remarks that should have passed for Fair Comment...and initially did, until a few yahoo radio personalities began misinterpreting them.

I actually think it's a hopeful sign that our government has so demonized Osama Bin Laden and has recently announced a "Most Wanted" list of 22 suspected terrorists.  This is not the most logical reason but I'm recalling J. Edgar Hoover's old dictum to his F.B.I. minions that no one should be placed on the "Most Wanted" list unless there was a reasonable expectation that they would be apprehended.  And just as J. Edgar didn't want to be caught failing to capture anyone on his list, I don't think those who are controlling the U.S. anti-terrorist efforts want to define the enemy and then fail to defeat it.  They must believe they have enough information and access to bring down Bin Laden and to bag most of the 22.

If and when they do, we're going to see a lot of parades and dancing in American streets.  We'll probably be told that this proves we need to ban abortions, rescind all laws about gun ownership, investigate the Clintons some more and do away with the Capital Gains tax.  And folks who for years have abhorred the concept of "political correctness," as applied to things like smoking and gender discrimination, will be out selling all the right-wing wet dreams as the will of Real Americans.  One hopes that some loud voices will remind them that we are all Real Americans...especially those who respect the flag instead of wrapping it around their pet prejudices.

THIS IS PERHAPS tangentially related.  I was watching a late-50's To Tell the Truth on the Game Show Network the other night and an interesting exchange went by, almost without notice.  Panelist Johnny Carson was about to interrogate the three contestants, each of whom was claiming to be an experienced lumberjack.  The host of the show, as usual back then, was Bud Collyer, better known to comic book fans as the voice of Superman on radio and early animation.  Here's how the dialogue went...

CARSON: I know almost nothing about lumberjacking.  Number Two, is it true that Smokey the Bear's a Communist?

(Big laugh over the audience, during which the host makes this comment:)

COLLYER: Don't let him plead the Fifth, Johnny.

Why this is interesting to me: During the blacklist period of the fifties, when performers were going unhired strictly due to unproven allegations about their politics and some were being hauled before Congressional committees, Bud Collyer was a staunch supporter of the practice.  That is to say, he approved whole-heartedly, urged it on, and headed up factions in the actors' union that sought to block any condemnation of Red Channels or other instruments of blacklisting.  He thought those who wouldn't inform on their friends and who took the Fifth Amendment instead were traitors — or, at least, that's how it sometimes gets reported.  Others, either because they were his friends or because they just don't want to believe the man who played Superman would have done such a thing, have claimed that, yes, Collyer was pro-blacklist, but he wasn't hysterical.  He had, they say, a deep, humane fear of Communists making inroads into the entertainment industry and believed that the cause was right, even if some of the tactics employed to ferret them out were wrong.

I never knew what, if anything, to think of Mr. Collyer.  But now, here he is on a show done when blacklisting was on the decline but still being defended, making that remark.  Gotta make you wonder.

For that matter, To Tell the Truth was an interesting — and, given its name, ironic — venue for folks on both sides of the blacklisting issue to come together.  The show's producer, Mark Goodson, was one of the few strong opponents of blacklisting in the management side of the industry.  He not only fought it, he often booked as panelists, personalities like Orson Bean and John Henry Faulk who were being refused work elsewhere.  Those two men had, in fact, been part of a slate of candidates within the performers' union that ran on an anti-blacklist platform and succeeded (in a landslide) in ousting Collyer's faction from office.  Still, on the game show, Collyer was a gentleman and a professional.  He'd welcome them, introduce them, play the game...and then scurry off to a union meeting to argue that such people should be barred from ever working again.

Game Show Network is also rerunning vintage episodes of another of Goodson's shows, I've Got A Secret, which had its own battles with blacklisting (and another ironic title).  In this case, the firing was demanded of panelist Henry Morgan for, as usual, rather vague, unproven allegations that were in no way against the law.  Someone said he'd gone to the wrong meetings or hung out with the wrong crowd.  Whatever, the sponsors wanted Morgan removed, and Goodson refused.  He got the show's host, Garry Moore — something of an American icon — to join in a strong statement denouncing the blacklist.  In this case, the blacklisters retreated and Morgan retained his seat on the Secret panel.  Would that more producers and performers had had the guts of Mssrs. Goodson and Moore.

JAY LENO is having celebrities who visit his show autograph a Harley-Davidson which is being auctioning on eBay, all proceeds to go to a charity that aids families of rescue workers who died in the World Trade Center attack.  If you'd like to see what the bidding is up to, click here.

YOU PROBABLY won't see 'em for a couple of months but I've decided to do a batch of columns including every piece of trivia and information I have on the movie, It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.  And before I do them, I'm going to draft my pal Earl Kress, who is similarly obsessed with said film, to collaborate with me on some additional research.  So beware.  And in the meantime, if you desperately need to know the whereabouts of the famed "Big W," here's a link to a webpage that will tell you all about it.

AND I FORGOT to mention that I've added a new section to this website: Frequently Asked Questions About the Cartoon Voice Business.  It's for those who wish to break into the field and it's not there for your benefit so much as mine; so that I won't have to answer certain questions for the umpteenth time.  I also added another page of Groo Stuff and will soon be adding some more old columns.

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